Today I’m going to do a post that has been requested quite a few times; which is my eating disorder story. I haven’t done this before because it’s quite a complicated topic for me. For one, I don’t have much to say as I’m still in the midst of it, and also I’ve never actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder, so I don’t really want to make a ‘my eating disorder story’. So this is basically my story so far of my struggle with food.
I don’t know how it started or exactly when, because I have been on the skinny side my entire life. But ever since I was a baby, I have been a very fussy eater, and I guess that could be a reason. It’s always been hard for me to find food I actually want to eat, so I quite often didn’t eat anything or not very much because I didn’t like much. As I got older, I also found eating to be more of a chore. I hated sitting down to eat because I felt like I was wasting my time when I could be doing other things. The only time I properly eat is when I’m bored. If I have nothing else to do, even if I’m watching TV, if my hands and fingers aren’t doing anything, I end up eating as distractive fidgeting.
I’m basically just going to say where I’m at now. Right now, I barely eat. I’m worried about getting far because I don’t want to give people another reason to call me names and bully me. I find I’m too busy to eat. When I go out with my friends for the day, I’ll eat a bar of chocolate or a packet of crisps in the entire day when they all buy chocolate and sandwiches and drinks etc.
But I do already experience the downsides of this. I have had people at school ask me if I’m anorexic and if I starve myself because I don’t really eat at school. Even though I’m very self conscious in general and about any weight I may feel I’m putting on, I’m also very self conscious about my weight now. I look at my arms and think how thin they are, and the same with my wrists. I think it gets to me most when some of my friends openly say to my face that they don’t want to stand next to me in a photo because I make them feel fat. I’ve also had comments from friends at times when we’ve been giving eachother piggybacks and sorting out who is carrying who. People have wanted whoevers lightest, and I’ve had comments saying I’m the lightest because I must be 3stone or something. This also links in with my self harm. Sometimes I’ll use it as a form of self harm. I recently went on holiday and didn’t want any cuts that could be seen when I wore a swimming costume, so I didn’t cut, but I needed something else to replace it. So I used starvation. I would go days without eating. If I are a chocolate bar in a day that was 564 calories, I would have to burn off somewhere between 565 and 600 calories before I was satisfied.
The lowest weight I have been in the past few years was 5stone (70 pounds). But I am in recovery. I am slowly gaining weight. I am now 6stone 1pound (86 pounds) and slowly getting through recovery. I know it is a long road yet, and that there will be plenty of bumps in the road, but I hope that my story gives some of you guys even the tiniest but of hope that it isn’t impossible to recover XxxX
Please feel free to send me questions or your own stories in the comments, or via my email or Tumblr.